I remember it so clearly. Middle-school Megan sat in church small group feeling absolutely shocked. As the group shared about their struggles, I remember the leader looking at me and saying, “oh you’re the pastor’s kid, your life doesn’t have much struggle.”
Those words hit like a ton of bricks. She had no idea. She would never know the brokenness that was there and what the next years would hold, because she could not see behind the mask, the precious image I displayed.
Don’t let a title or social status fool you.
Every day we pass people whose battles are raging behind the smiles, but you would never know it. We do that so often, fight raging wars behind closed doors. Fighting alone, we fear rejection and shame and the pain of what just doesn’t seem to end.
But, what would happen if we opened up the battlefield to the Lord and looked deeper than our surface image?
That small group leader had no idea that:
- I was starving myself (of course she didn’t know—I always pretended to eat)
- I was a slave to food (The binge was always followed by a purge. I mean, couldn’t ruin my precious image)
- I struggled with a porn addiction (HA pastors always spoke to churches as it being a “Man’s” problem. Stupid…. I felt like suck a freak. No way I would ever let anyone into my dark world)
- I was scared of groups for fear of rejection (oh I was so good at being fake. So good at it)
- I would later turn to drugs for control (If you could check my credit card history to see how many boxes of laxatives I bought, you would wonder why Megan isn’t dead. I’m surprised I didn’t poison myself)
- I failed to see any talent (Good for nothing)
- I couldn’t see any beauty (Nose too long, boobs too small, belly roll helllllll no. Someone say ugly duckling, am I right? My thoughts every time I stood in front of a mirror…)
- And, that I came to such a dark place that I was ready to walk away from Jesus entirely.
Who? Megan? No way… that couldn’t have been you. These are but a few of the responses I’ve received over the years. Perspective changer, isn’t it? That was all behind the smile.
She couldn’t see behind the social status of “Pastor’s kid” and the face I wore so well. Not many could. My mirror image was nearly perfect.
So why do I put this out there? It’s pretty gutsy and vulnerable, I know. But we all have a story, and there’s POWER in testimony. I couldn’t find freedom for the longest time because I hid everything. The secret to health stayed hidden from me in the darkness of my struggles. It took me years to understand the key to unlocking freedom.
It is OKAY to come face to face with your inner demons!
No matter what your struggles are. Whether its body image issues, food relationship, deep-rooted pains of the past, sexual matters, you name it, they are all directly intertwined with your health and inability to find true freedom. So, lay it all out on the table. Be real, be raw, be human. It’s in that place, you’ll begin to find freedom.
The moment I stopped being fake and allowed the Lord to fight for me, I found true health. Guys, we all struggle, many times alone. That’s a hard place to be in.
Night after night this past month, I’ve been woken up very abruptly and the Lord has been pressing on my heart that someone needs to hear this. Precious child, He will fight for YOU. That is His PROMISE. Our daddy is a promise keeper. And He ALWAYS makes good on His promises. Take off the mask. Shatter the glass in the mirror. And as always, be real, be raw, be HUMAN!
Please reach out to me via the contact form! I want to get to know you and hear your stories!